The Chosen Wives

Please open your Bibles to I Timothy 3. We'll be there in a minute. Last week, we began a series of lessons concerning the character, the work, the selection of deacons. And we've handed out these yellow cards, these things here, there's still some out there if you need them on your way out, so you can nominate someone you feel meets the requirements for this role. Now you'll notice on the card that there is a section devoted to the review of the that person's wife, that nominee's spouse.

See, one of the qualifications required to become a deacon is that they'd be married. And and Paul, in 1st Timothy chapter 3 verse 11, makes reference to some of the characteristics to look for in a good deacon's wife. I believe that God knows that a man's service in the church can be helped or can be hindered by the kind of character his wife has. Not just him, the kind of character his wife has. In the sec in the selection process, for not only deacons, but also for elders, the church is also examining and confirming the wife that she is also qualified to serve.

Otherwise, Paul would not have made reference to her in this in this passage. Now there are a lot of passages in both the Old and New Testament that refer to the character and virtue of godly women in every age, regardless of her marital status or service in the church. And, I'm going to mention a key verse from Proverbs in a moment. But after the verse in Proverbs, I want to focus on 1st Timothy chapter 3 verse 11, where I believe Paul specifically refers to women married to deacons, and I'll explain why in a moment. Now the things he says can easily be applied to young women, or older women, or women married to elders.

But in this case, the apostle points to those women married to men, who aspire to be deacons. And in a few words, he says quite a bit about the type of women that they ought to be. So as we continue in the process of selecting deacons, let's examine more closely the character and the qualifications we're looking for in the spouse of 1 we choose for a position of leadership in the church. So first of all, and I'll go to the Proverb first. I believe the Bible says that they need to be women who use their power wisely.

I see some women going, They need to be women who use their power wisely. The influence of the wife on her husband and family is quite significant. I'm continually reminded of this when various men, for example, give speeches at award dinners. Regardless of the award, whether it's for, you know, show business or industry or sports or military, whatever it is. When the individual begins to thank everyone for their health and their contribution to their success, the majority of men save their best praise for their wives.

I mean, you've heard these shows. You've been to these things. You've listened in, haven't you? Haven't you heard men say, I could have not done this without her. It wouldn't have happened without her.

Or she has encouraged me every step of the way. Or this award belongs in part to her for her help and her support in achieving this goal. Now, it happens the other way around too. Women get awards for things and that I've heard them say the same thing. I wanna thank my husband for his constant support, for his constant encouragement.

Works both ways, but now we're talking particularly about men this morning and those men who serve as deacons. Although it's no longer politically correct to say so of men, what these men are saying is that their wives have served well in their traditional roles as helpers, helpmates. And this was the role originally designed for women in marriage in Genesis chapter 2/18. What does the bible say? It is not good for man to be alone.

I will make a helper suitable for him. It's interesting that the original Hebrew word for help here meant to surround, to protect, to aid, to save. It's been unfortunate that some, many have interpreted that word to mean, assistant. You wanna go get me that thing over there? You wanna pick up this thing over there?

That's not what that word means. The original essential roles in marriage designed by God in the pre sin perfect world of the garden. Remember now, this was the, this was the ideal. This is before sin. This is before things started to fall apart.

This was the perfect situation. Man was to provide moral and spiritual and social leadership in the home and support his family in their development. And woman was to support that leadership and cultivate the home and the family to its highest Spiritual and moral and social potential. And these roles and responsibilities, they're generic. It's not about culture.

It's not about culture because they were assigned in the garden, long before there was culture. And they can accommodate all kinds of social and technological changes throughout the centuries. For example, it is possible for a woman to work outside the home, and yet fulfill her role of being a support and partner of her husband's leadership of that home and the family. The 2 can work together. Working outside the home doesn't change the essential role of a woman, just the division of labor inside the house.

It is not the higher education of women, it is not greater number of women in careers that have changed things. It is the abandonment of this traditional role of helper and support in the home that has caused so many problems. And remember, these roles are assigned to God as the ideal. And there's a lot of reasons for those problems today. For example, men have themselves refused to take on their roles, and many times abandoned their families, thus forcing women to develop both roles for their children.

That happens all the time. And someone says, what makes you an expert? Well, I'm telling you the wreckage washes up on my shore. I preside over a lot more divorces than weddings. And I'm here to tell you that's one of the reasons.

Another reason is that men refuse to give up their freedom of the single life when they marry and they want their wives to treat them like their mothers did. And so we have a society where many times weak men often default leadership roles to their wives. And then we have a situation where women refuse to cultivate the role of help and support because they've been convinced that it is demeaning or that it is beneath them. And this results in a power struggle in the family where no one has a clear role. And today, this disregard for God's clear teaching is leading to power struggles not only in the family, not only in society, but in the church as well.

In Proverbs chapter 14 verse 1, Solomon describes the power of a woman. He says, the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands. Listen girls, Solomon says that a wise woman will use her power. What is her power? Her power are the advantages and the skills that come with being a woman.

Solomon says she uses that power to build her house, her home, her family, her life. The wisdom she builds with is the wisdom from God. The wisdom of the world that guides her in the, the wisdom of the word rather that guides her in the role that God has designed for her, and how she should adapt it in the present circumstances. Yeah, we've got email and yeah, we've got 3 car garages, 3 careers juggled around. So?

The foolish one, he says, has the power to destroy her home, her life, and her family. And what he says is that the power is directly in her hands. She builds it. She destroys it. It's in her hands.

The determining point is, will she use her power wisely or will she use it foolishly? Now we see many women today gaining power, power of position, earning power, political power. That's fine. That's fair. That's right.

That's good. But the question is, how how are they using this new found power? That's the issue. Are they using it to build their homes? Or are they using it to destroy their homes?

We have headlines all the time. Women gaining power, more power to women. All kinds of statistics showing more and more. We're on the upswing girls. But the rate of divorce and children left in daycares and women leading the fight for abortion rights and the shrinking number of women who choose to stay at home, less than 16% today tells me that we just might be leaning towards the foolish side rather than the wise side.

Lest we forget my main point regarding the type of wife an elder Deacon's wife needs to be. I would say that the first and foremost qualification is that she needs to be a person who uses her power wisely. Not to dominate her husband. Not to build only her career. But rather to help and support and encourage her partner.

And to build her home according to God's design for her as a wife and as a mother and as a woman. When God calls a man to lead in the church, he is also calling on that man's wife to support and encourage that leadership. And in this way, she not only builds her home, but she makes a valuable and eternal contribution to the building of the kingdom as well. I know that's a hard teaching in this day and age. But leaders in the church have to be able to receive difficult teaching.

Deacon's wives need to be women who are careful in their speech. 1st Timothy chapter 3 verse 11. He says, women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things. Now in this passage, Paul describes several characteristics that should, epitomize a deacon's wife. I need to digress here a little bit.

There have been arguments that say that this particular passage here refers to women deacons. It doesn't refer to the wives of deacons. Some of you who have read commentaries and so on and so forth know that. The point that some make is that Paul talks about elders in this passage, and then he talks about deacons. And then in verse 11, he qualifies the qualifications for deaconesses because it is it is said that in Romans 16:1, he mentions Phoebe, who was a deaconess in the church.

These are the only two passages that support that concept in the church. Now I disagree. It's okay if you don't agree with me, but I'm telling you I disagree with that idea. And I'll tell you why. First first of all, there is no example of any woman deacon being appointed.

The only one example given shows that men are appointed. That's not something that men invented. That's just something that we read in the scripture. Secondly, the word in Romans chapter 16:1 that describes Phoebe is the general word for servant. Phoebe was a servant of the church.

She was a woman servant. Now there are many servants in the church who do not hold the position of deacon or elder. But yet sir, Sydney Walker. Sydney Walker is a young married woman in our congregation. She coordinates junior education.

She has she has dozens of people that she has to work with to organize, junior education. She has to select material that's gonna be taught and supplies. She deals with the office and so on. So she is a servant of the church. But she's not a deacon.

A woman can have a specific and dynamic and important ministry in the church without being appointed a deacon. Now the word in 1 Timothy, chapter 3, verse 11 can mean deacon or the wife of a deacon, either one. You can, you can use it either way. The interpretation of this particular word is based on the context and that happens a lot in the Bible. You don't know which, exactly what the word means.

You have to study the context around the word to, to discern what it means. Paul describes the basic qualifications of deacons. That's fairly clear, verses 8, 9, and 10. Then, he gives some of the qualifications about their wives. He makes a reference to the type of wife they should have.

And then he continues on addressing the deacons once again in verse 12 and 13. If Paul were introducing the new subject of women deacons, and it would have been very new because it would have never been mentioned before anywhere else. As was his organized style of writing, he would have finished with the men and then proceeded with the women. That's how he wrote. He was an organized guy, But he didn't do that.

He included the wives with their husbands. That's why we interpret that passage in that way. So we believe that this verse applies to the wives of deacons and by extension to elders wives as well. Four things that have to do, and all of them with the tongue. Doesn't matter.

He doesn't mention their education. He doesn't mention they have to be good at something. It's all about speech. Four things to do with the tongue. Number 1, he said they should be dignified.

Dignified. What does that mean, dignified? It means someone who is grave, serious minded, not given to foolishness, not carried away by rumor or gossip. The ability to speak with grace and wisdom because their speech is salted with the wisdom and grace of the words of Christ. Dignified doesn't mean stuck up.

Dignified doesn't mean you don't have a sense of humor, you can't have any fun. It means a woman who is aware of her position and responsibility and her words show it. That's what it means. Number 2, he says, they need to be women who are not gossips. The Greek word here is slanderer.

Now the role of elder or deacon's wife has the great responsibility that requires discretion. The problems and the struggles within the church are before them all the time. If you're a deacon's wife, boy, do you ever hear a lot of stuff. And if you're an elder's wife, you know, you know what's going on. You know if there's problems in somebody's marriage.

You know, it's just that information flows by you. You can't help it. An elder's wife, a deacon's wife can help, can be involved, can be a prayer parlor, can help solve problems. But most of all, she needs to be discreet. He says they need to be temperate.

Originally the word meant temperate in regards to alcohol. But Paul uses the word in a general way. She is in control of herself. She is in control of what she consumes. She is sober minded.

She's not panicky. She's not easily provoked to anger. She's not easily moved to take sides. Temperate. She is not easily manipulated by others or by things she's not addicted to.

Stop. I don't take drugs, I don't take alcohol, but I'm up till 3 in the morning with the shopping network. She is temperate. And he says she is faithful. Paul says, faithful in all things.

She is loyal to her family. She is loyal to her friends. She is loyal to her congregation. But most of all, she is faithful to Christ and his word. Her priorities are straight when it comes to worship and service and family and the world.

Her confession of faith is matched by her lifestyle in the church and at home and in the world. James says that the tongue is a restless evil and its potential for destruction is great. You know, an elder or deacon's wife doesn't go to the meetings, you know, the elders meeting, deacons meeting. And she doesn't vote on leadership issues, but I'm telling you with the power of her tongue, she can build up or destroy all the good that her husband may or may not do. Now my first two points were based on 2 broad concepts, one found in the old, the other found in the New Testament.

Wives needed to be helpers in the biblical sense and have cultivated a healthy control and use of their tongues. My final point comes from over 20 years of observation of elders and deacons' wives that I have known personally. The ones who have made a difference were those who love the church as much as their husbands love the church. It doesn't say it in here. But when you're watching them work, it becomes obvious who really loves the church.

Some women think that the office of deacon or elder is simply their husband's ministry. It's his thing. It's not my thing. And it doesn't affect them. And they simply see it as, you know, something that's apart from themselves.

But Paul provides qualifications for wives, meaning that their involvement was critical. The most effective elders and deacons that I've seen were those whose wives saw their roles as an opportunity for greater service. Here's how it works. Somebody's in the hospital, whatever, for whatever. And member A goes and visits, and member B goes and visits.

But if the elder goes and visits, somehow that is important to them. And when the elders wife comes along, somehow that is such a blessed thing. The elder or deacon's wives can influence the younger women to love their husbands and their children and to build their homes and teach them how this is done. You know, Focus in the Family, put out a report recently and I was looking at some of their numbers and they said, more than 1 third of all children born in the United States this year are born to women who are not married. More than a third.

And homes where children who live with both of their biological parents. Okay? Bio kids with bio mom and bio dad. You know that nuclear family. That family model is now below 25% in the United States.

Don't tell me the family is not in trouble. Don't tell me that young women don't need to learn how to love their husbands and love their children and build their homes. Yeah, men have to learn something too. That's a sermon for another time. And I'll get after them in a while.

But I've only got a certain amount of time and I want to stay focused here. Don't tell me that younger women don't need to learn how to do that. Women who love the church lead the way in creative ministry to children and the aged and the poor and those who are ill. Women who show equal concern, equal love, equal desire to serve, to give, to build are indeed helping their deacon and elder husbands to provide true spiritual leadership. Now some women complain because the Bible excludes them from leadership roles in public worship, as well as the eldership or the diaconate.

But these women forget that these restrictions do not limit their ability to influence the church for good, if they love the church as their husbands do. I mean, Jesus wasn't the head of a synagogue and he didn't serve in the Sanhedrin and he was not one of the priestly, officers in the temple. But look at what he did because he came to serve and not to be served. You know, it's unfortunate that in the church, we sometimes have women who would make better elders or deacons than their husbands. Or we have men who would be great elders, they would be great deacons, but they're married to women who continually challenge them for leadership in their own homes, or who cannot control their tongues, or who are not really interested in becoming dedicated to the church at the level necessary to support their husband's role as a leader.

You know many men cannot aspire to leadership because they don't qualify for one reason or another. But some men don't become leaders because their wives don't qualify. You know, sometimes the only thing missing for a man to be a great leader in the church and the church that Michael was talking about before, This church that is growing and growing and serving our community and bringing souls to Christ. We need leadership for that. Sometimes the only thing missing for a man to be a great leader in the church is the sincere encouragement and the commitment of his partner.

Sometimes that's the only ingredient that's missing. Sisters, you know I've spoken to you specifically this morning. If you believe that your husband is leadership material, I want you to make sure that you are using your power as a woman to build him up and not tear him down. I want you to use your power as a woman to hold him up that he might be blessed in receiving a position of leadership in God's church. Because in so doing, you will also share in the crown of righteousness worn by all those who serve well in the kingdom.

So if you need the prayers of the church to be that kind of woman, if you need to be restored or baptized whether you're a man or a woman, if you need to place membership in this congregation, if you need ministry of some kind to aspire to the things that I've talked about this morning, And this is the time we set aside to minister to you and we offer you the opportunity to fill out a card or come forward now as brother Jeff sings us sings with us the song of encouragement.