In Love for Life

Review the content from the previous chapter to assist with this review.

• Know your future mate and children.
  • Pay attention to children's special needs.
  • Build a new relationship.
  • Include everyone in the wedding.
• Concerning blended families
  • Avoid co-conductor system.
  • Give up old roles.
  • Establish ground rules.

The Lord heals all wounds brought to Him. When the family is focused first on faithfulness, the Lord then works to bring true unity between family members and Himself. This further underscores the role of the father as the spiritual leader in the family (Ephesians 5). It is not his role alone but is ultimately his unique responsibility. Obviously, both the husband and wife have key duties in this. Their unity in Christ is the critical foundation for building unity in the family.

Children go through a cycle much resembling the grieving process. This is for loss of parents and family times and lifestyles.

The process of grieving includes, denial where children have difficulty accepting the finality of divorce; anger when children realize the father isn't coming back or that this is a "new mom" or "new home"; bargaining where individuals try to manipulate or change events; depression; and finally, acceptance where there is the realization that the blended family is not the traditional or nuclear family and that there is a place for one in it.

See text for details. Note that these are a generality and that all children are individuals and react in their own ways. We seek to reestablish stability and maintain opportunities for spiritual growth.

• 0 – 2 years – This age group needs a lot of physical contact and nurturing to reassure everything is OK despite changes.
• 3 – 5 years – Children in this age group are aware something is wrong (different) but can't process all the information. It helps to explain things frequently and to be patient with regressive behavior.
• 6 – 12 years – Children in this group feel responsible for the situation (It's my fault). Refrain from using children in this age as a sounding board. They need to be encouraged and reassured.
• 13 and up – Children in these years, experience a strong need for independence. They have to deal with different rules and acceptable standards and behaviors. This leads to confusion and discouragement. It is helpful for this age group to be part of a negotiation of standards that all can agree upon.

See text for details.

• Star parent – This parent assumes they are better, more responsible and make certain the child realizes it.
• Glue parent – This parent can't let go. They create, whether intentionally or not, anxiety in children by being over-protected or distrustful of the other parent. ·
• Distant parent – Wants little to nothing to do with the other parent. This creates communication difficulties and a sense of distrust.
• Sometimes parent – This parent is inconsistent with their time and relationship with the child. This can negatively impact the emotional health of the child.
• Ruthless parent – This parent is still fighting with the ex-spouse or new partner. This causes hurt and rejection among the children. It certainly causes distrust and increases the time for healing and moving on.
• Parent parent – Recognizes that even though the marriage is over, their role is not. They strive for a team approach with the ex-spouse and blended family. This is done from the perspective of love, development, and happiness of the children.

(Note: The underlined word(s) is the one to provide to complete the statement.)

• Take the initiative: Plan the visit, especially the first night.
• Provide structure: A visit is not a vacation; it is time to experience the life of the other parent and share a bond with them.
• Be accepting: You are offering more than hospitality; you are offering an equal place in your family for a limited time.
• Provide home, not just a room: Visiting children will accept the situation as well as the other family if they are given their own space in the home.
• Give them permission to love: Granting them permission to love enables children to mature emotionally and work out these issues in their lives.
• Help smooth out the transitions: Children tend to withdraw at departure in order to lessen the pain. Share your time first, give them space and welcome them happily.

A significant characteristic of Jesus is unconditional love. Our Lord demonstrated unconditional love in much of His teachings as well as His life. We must grow in this grace as well. One of the ways we do so is to continue to demonstrate our love for our children. This helps provide stability in their lives and encourages them to continue to develop into healthy adults and followers of Jesus.